For the past several weeks (probably more like the last several years), I have been struggling with the feeling of “not enough ness”. There are days that it consumes me, that it debilitated me and keeps me stuck in a pattern of misbeliefs about myself. What are these thoughts trying to tell me? I cant just make them go away or stay out of my head because they flow back in again and have the ability to take over my day. I know these thoughts are tied to my childhood. So, what’s the lesson here? Why do I keep buying into them and believing they are true? There are always life lessons, right?
Life is always here to teach us something and to help us heal. Since we have been quarantined, I have pondered everyday...”What can I do to be of service today? What do I have to offer to that someone who might be in pain? That person that just may need to feel seen or heard...that just needs an ear to listen to. All they may want is someone to say, “I get it” or “I’m right there with you”. And, then I freeze. I become paralyzed with fear. The self judgment and self criticism creeps in and stops me dead in my tracks.
What is this damn fear about? I will tell you what it’s about. It’s about the little girl within me that is scared. At some point in her life, she was told that she wasn’t enough, that she had to be perfect, that staying quiet and small would keep the chaos down around her, that she just needed to be a good girl and that her feelings just didn’t matter. Those were the unconscious and unspoken messages that you hear when you grow up in an unhealthy and dysfunctional family, where the adults around you are also acting out their inner children. I was a child being raised by 2 other children. I didn’t have a mom who could tell me I was enough, because quite frankly, she didn’t feel she was enough. But, guess what? I am a mom today and I am an adult today...I get to rise up and reparent my inner child and tell her she is MORE than enough. I get to have a “redo”.
I get a second chance because of the healing that I have done. Joye, I commit to you everyday to tell you that you matter. As I even write these words, I have an ever so gentle smile on my face because I can feel the warmth inside my body of you beaming. I’ve got you. I’ve got us. Maybe it’s you that needs to hear...”I’m right here with you”.